


Kissed a Girl

by Nessa47



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: F/M, Genderbend, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-14
Updated: 2016-05-14
Packaged: 2018-05-26 14:16:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 16,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6242614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nessa47/pseuds/Nessa47
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What it takes to be a girl- if only Killua didn't have to find out. Sugar and spice and everything nice, and hopefully a reverse button.<br/>*This story is finished, albeit prematurely. I'm writing my own things and won't be coming back to this world or its characters anymore. Thanks for enjoying it with me while it lasted.*</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [fireolin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fireolin/gifts).



> This fanfiction is dedicated to Fireolin. She gave me a starter on tumblr for this idea and she was the one who wanted to see it finished! My first fanfiction for this fandom- enjoy! You can find me on tumblr at killuanotlonely!

     The fog of sleep lifted slowly as Killua shifted listlessly, failing in an attempt to get up. The breeze carried from the window ruffled his hair and chilled him enough to bring him from his stupor. He opened his eyes with an immense effort, feeling his lower and upper lashes stick to each other. Blinking, he sat up in bed, already annoyed at the loss of warmth and comfort. It was a sunny day, and he realized with a jolt that he’d woken up at least three hours later than usual. How could that have happened? Last night wasn’t especially exhausting or anything.

      “Weird…” Killua mumbled, thankful that it was his day off. He slipped out of the blankets and stood on the plush carpets, yawning. Lifting his arms high to stretch, he felt an unusual sense of tension in his shirt, like he’d grown overnight or something, stretched across his chest. He shifted awkwardly. 

Killua looked across the room in the mirror at himself, knowing it was impossible to grow that much overnight when-

     “What?” He deadpanned. Then, his eyes widening, “What?!”

A prank. Gon played a prank on him. Snuck into his room and-

He grabbed at his chest to tear the things out of his shirt. 

     “OW! _ CRAP! _ ” Killua jumped at the sound of his own voice. It sounded high and- and GIRLY.

_ No way, no way no WAY! _

He yanked off his shirt and stared, heat rising to his face and panic hitting him like a blow to the stomach. It wasn’t just his chest- which now, instead of his hardened pectorals, had two- two…

Boobs. There were boobs on his chest.

     “Frick,” He grimaced with a sickly feeling. Nen? Was this nen? He hoped it was reversible.

The rest of his torso looked different, as well. His waist tucked in, and his hips were wider. He lifted a hand- _ small _ , his hand was small and  _ dainty  _ looking!- to his throat, where a distinctive lack of adam’s apple gave him even more panic. 

     “I-if all this had changed…” Killua swallowed, taking shaky steps to the bathroom to see for himself the cold, hard truth.

As soon as he stood, door locked, in the safety of the bathroom, he pulled down his sleeping shorts, only a tiny glimmer of hope keeping him tethered.

     “No!” He wailed, collapsing on the toilet seat to put his head in his hands. He was at a loss. It was gone. He might throw up- he had now, instead of his own, familiar manhood, a part that he’d never even seen on an actual  _ girl  _ before. 

     “Fuck, fuck, fuck!” His hands trembled slightly. What had happened to him? Who had done this? Could he fix it? He didn’t want to be a-a  _ girl!  _ But now he  _ was _ , or he had the right parts for it, and it was painfully obvious. 

Killua rushed out of the bathroom, grappling around in yesterday’s jeans for his phone. There was only one thing he could think to do- only one person he could think to ask-

Stay calm, he told himself as the dial tone rang. He observed his face more in the mirror. He looked different. He looked- he looked…. _ Softer. Girlier.  _ He hadn’t even noticed that girls looked so different from guys without long hair and boobs, but he could tell. His cheeks were filled out just a bit more, and his eyelashes were a little shorter, but  _ darker _ , providing contrast, and his lips were fuller and darker, and-

     “Hello? Killua?” Killua jumped back from the mirror.

     “Leorio!” He cried, wincing at the high pitch. But maybe Leorio wouldn’t notice-

     “Killua? Are you sick? You sound weird.” 

Killua pinched the bridge of his nose. “Leorio, something happened to me, something really really really bad-”

     “Something’s wrong?” Leorio’s voice rose in panic, “Who’s with you? Are you okay? Is Gon there? Can he help? I’ll be right ov-” 

     “NO NO NO, Leorio, Gon  _ can’t _ know. I called you because- because…”

The line was quiet for a pause. Leorio suddenly burst, “Because?!?! Tell me, Killua!”

     “Okay! You’re a doctor, so I figured you might know- if I, well, um,” Killua sank down onto the bed, feeling tears and an overwhelming sense of exhaustion hit him, “Leorio, it’s  _ gone!”  _ And he burst out crying. Leorio rushed to calm him down, not being used to seeing him cry.

     “Don’t cry, don’t cry, tell me. What’s gone? Can you tell me that?”

     “I’m a  _ girl, _ Leorio! Something happened to me and my dick is gone and I have boobs and I’m a  _ girl!”  _ He sobbed, sniffling up snot and tears. Leorio went silent.

     “What?” He asked, voice low. “Killua, if you’re pranking me, I have midterms coming up-”

     “It’s not a prank, you bastard! I woke up this morning and- just  _ get down here!  _ I don’t know what happened! But I’ll prove it to you, old man!”

     “Woah, woah, woah, okay! Calm down. I’ll be there. You-” He stopped himself short. Killua narrowed his eyes.

     “I what?” He demanded. Leorio chuckled, apologizing.

     “You just- you  _ sound  _ like a female right now, Killua!”

     “GET OVER HERE! AND DON’T SAY ANOTHER WORD ABOUT IT!” And before he hung up, Killua added in a less-than-threatening growl, “And don’t you dare tell Kurapika! Or Gon, you hear me? If he answers you at the door, tell him I asked you over for something private! Or lie! But do not let him know!” And he hung up, throwing the phone down onto the bed. He hoped more than anything that Leorio might have an explanation. And a solution. If he didn’t, Killua would have to tell someone else to find the answer.

Turning, planting himself face-first on his bed, he let out a muffled sob. 

     “I will kill whoever did this to me,” He sniffled.

  
  
  


*** *** ***

  
  


In his room, Killua sat, shirt back on, with his face buried in a pillow. He was silently praying that Gon was out jogging or something of the like. He didn’t hear the familiar sounds of his roommate rustling about the kitchen, or the shower going, so he assumed Gon wasn’t there. 

What if Gon had come in to wake him up? He often did that when Killua slept in- and if he had, then-then…

     “I would have _ died _ …” Killua groaned into the blue cotton. The thought felt like a bullet piercing him through. He would do everything in his power to keep it a secret from Gon. At least until he learned the magnitude of the situation, and, if possible, a solution. Waking up the opposite gender was about as weird as he figured something could get, and he’d seen just about everything.

_ How long was it from here to Leorio’s? Why was it taking so damn long? _

Killua wrung his hands, avoiding his reflection in the mirror for fear he may vomit at it. Everything about him had been turned  _ soft looking.  _ He still had his muscles, but he felt  _ smaller _ \- and, by extension, weaker. He didn’t even want to experience the full spectrum of frustrating that would probably end up drowning him- he  _ liked _ being strong and well-built. He trained hard. And girl bodies were different. He also had an infuriating suspicion that he was at least an inch shorter than he was last night- a fact that almost made him scream.

At least his hair was short still. He’d have truly lost it if that had changed as well.

     “Leorio, where are you?!” He exclaimed, throwing himself back onto the bed to gaze hard at the speckled grey ceiling. The blue curtain swung in the calming zephyr and brushed against his nose. Sighing, Killua rolled onto his side. He desperately wanted breakfast. And coffee. But he was a little frightened to go out of his room, lest Gon pop back in and discover the horrifying truth of his transformation. It wasn’t like it was Killua’s choice, or his fault, but he still felt responsible. So he pulled his fluffy comforter back around himself and lay with his face in his pillow for another thirty minutes, watching shapes and swirls dance around in the darkness behind his eyelids until he was damn near hypnotized and lulled back to sleep. He would have actually slept more, had it not been for the gnawing worry in the back of his mind.

Minutes ticked by at an agonizing pace.

At some point Killua lost track of both himself and all his problems, lost to a loopy doze, and the moment he struck peace was promptly jolted awake by a sharp rapping at the front door.

     "Killua!”

     “Ah-!” Killua bolted upright, groggy and bleary-eyed with almost-but-not-quite sleep. He fumbled his way off the bed, struggling to the door. In his haze he paraded down the hallway, blanket still clinging to his shoulders and dragging on the carpet behind him. The knocking got louder, and as Killua passed Gon’s bedroom and the hall closet he could hear Leorio’s frantic yelling growing in volume,

     “Killua! I’m here! Open the door! I know you’re here!  _ Gon! Killua!-” _

Killua yanked the door open impatiently, greeted with a gust of wind and sunshine, and glared up at the doctor. “Shut up, idiot, everyone in the damn complex is going to hear you!”

Leorio stopped short, one hand poised in the air. Killua shifted uncomfortably as Leorio’s eyebrows shot up into his hairline. The silence was unbearably long, and Killua found himself grabbing the blanket to pull it over his chest. Leorio swallowed and put his hand down.

     “Ah- Killua, you, you really  _ are _ a-” Killua rolled his eyes, stepping to the side.

     “Yeah.  _ I know _ . Get inside, stupid, and help me fix this mess!”

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor, Poor Killua.

     Leading Leorio into the tiny living room adjacent the kitchen, Killua held the blanket tighter around himself. It was something of a comfort to have his body hidden, now that it no longer felt like _his_ body. 

     “This is the worst thing that’s happened to me for a while,” Killua lamented, padding into the room and plopping down on the stuffed beige couch. It enveloped him in it’s worn cushioning, and he stared across the room at the tv stand. Leorio took a seat on the squat wooden coffee table, setting his coat down next to him on a stack of coasters. Killua avoided eye contact, kicking his foot against the couch leg, growing more and more irritated at Leorio’s unabashed stare. Heat rose to his face, along with frustration at the fact that he now was something Leorio actually felt he had a right to stare at. After a long, torturous minute, Killua finally broke.

     “Spit it out already, Leorio. I know how it looks, okay?” He snapped, seething. Leorio didn’t look the least bit put off by his reaction. Rather, he smiled a little, creating a fury in Killua that had him growling,

     “Remember, you stupid old man, I’m no different from before. How about instead of gawking at me you actually put yourself to use and do what I called you here for-  _ help. _ ” He punctuated his point with a sharp kick of his heel against the couch. Leorio nodded, finally, features furrowing into one of concentration. He cleared his throat and leaned forward, hand folding.

     “Alright, I want you to start off by telling me what happened- from when you went to bed to when you woke up this morning. Try not to leave anything out- even any dreams you might have had.” 

     Killua nodded. Finally. Something logical. “Last night… Last night I went to bed when I usually do, around ten. Gon was singing loudly while doing the dishes so I had to get him to shut up… And I fell asleep pretty quickly. It wasn’t unusual.” Killua’s gaze flicked across Leorio’s visage, observing closely any subtle signs of knowledge or understanding. He wanted badly for Leorio to stop him and cry out “OH! I know what that is, and it’s FINE! It’ll wear off in a day, like a 24 hour bug!” 

No such luck.

     Killua sighed, casting a frustrated look at his blanketed lap before continuing, “I… Don’t remember dreaming anything. I just fell asleep. And I woke up several hours later than I usually do- thank GOD Gon didn’t try and wake me up.” Leorio grimaced, putting a thoughtful finger to his chin. 

     “So.. Nothing weird? No strange dreams or feelings? Throw me a bone here, Killua. I can’t just help you if you have no clue what happened!” 

     “I’m telling you everything I know, Leorio.”

     “I know- but can you just try a little harder to remember something? Your memories are all we have to go off of. I can’t help if I don’t know what’s going on, so it’s up to you to tell me!”

Killua ground his teeth, feeling a little hurt by his comments. “Don’t, okay? I’m not an idiot! I wouldn’t have called you here if I’d known what had happened!”

     “I didn’t call you an idiot, Killua!”

     “Well, you sure sound like you did! I’m having a bad enough morning without you telling me what I need to be doing!” 

Leorio sat back, raking a hand through his hair before sighing. “Listen, kid. I’m just saying- I can’t fix everything magically  _ just because  _ I wanna be a doctor. I want to help, but first we need to find out what happened.” His voice softened, “Alright? Can you live with that? Just answer my questions as honestly as you can.”

Killua bit his lip with aggravation. His face felt hot and he wanted to cry more, and his stomach felt empty and he was  _ tired. _ But. He understood. He gave a small nod.

     “Okay. Shoot.”

Leorio cracked a grin. “That’s the spirit! Did you drink anything funny last night?”

Raising an eyebrow, Killua bit out, “You think this was caused by something I  _ ingested _ ?”

     “I’m just bringing up possibilities!” Killua blinked. Leorio nodded. “That’s a no, then. Alright. Did you piss someone off? Get into any fights?” 

Shaking his head, Killua felt a small suspicion that calling Leorio was actually a mistake. He was grasping for straws, just like Killua. 

     "How bad is the damage, Killua?” Leorio asked suddenly. For a moment Killua just stared back blankly, the question sinking in. Damage?

His eyes dropped down to look at himself.

_ Oh. _ Killua’s face went up in flames, and he defensively curled up in his blanket.

     “Bad,” He said shortly, dissuading mentally any thoughts on Leorio’s part of checking out the  _ damage.  _ The older man considered, and gave a small chuckle.

     “So I have to wonder… Your internal organs must have changed as well, yanno… So there’s a possibility…” He trailed off, suppressing a laugh that was betrayed in the crack in his poker face- a smile and muffled snort of laughter.

     “A possibility of what?” Killua asked, a threat in his tone. His insides turned uneasily. Whatever it was, he had no doubt he’d hate it. 

Leorio’s hand went up, gesturing vaguely as he tried not to smile. “Oh, you know. That special time when a girl blossom’s into a woman! Her flowering into-”

     “WAIT WAIT WAIT- what, what do you mean, Leorio? That I’m… That I might…” He gulped, a chill spreading through his limbs. He may throw up after all. His mouth felt weak with shock. He stared at the blank tv screen, feeling as though he’d been cast into a void.

     “What… exactly… Will  _ that _ entail, Leorio?” He whispered, horrified. 

At that Leorio tipped his head back, laughing full heartedly at the obvious pain and petrification in his expression. It took a full minute of guffaws as Killua breathed to restrain himself from strangling the damned man, before Leorio could compose himself enough to explain the truth, the dagger that finally killed him.

     “If it happens, _ if  _ it happens, then once a month you’ll have mother nature as a friendly visitor. That means you’ll be expelling from your body one egg, and the useless tissue from your uterine lining, which, had you had sex with a guy and been fertilized, would have turned into a baby and the baby’s home.”

     “ _ Gross, _ ” Killua whispered softly. Leorio shook his head.

     “Sorry, Killua. That’s not even the half of it. Depending on how bad your… Flow is… You’ll bleed for two days to a full week a month, and experience minor contractions in the form of cramps. Some people also get headaches, stomachaches, and mood swings before and after. A lot of hormones and-”

     “Stop, stop,  _ stop, _ Leorio! I think I’m gonna be sick!” Killua face planted onto the couch, dread chaining him down like a vise. He didn’t want to experience any of that- it sounded horrible! 

     “Isn’t there anything we can do?” He groaned into the cushion. Leorio leaned over and patted his back consolingly.

     “We’ll try, Killua. We might need to consult someone else though. I don’t know if you wanted medical advice from me or not, but I have a feeling this is probably something nen-influenced. Which means you should consult a nen expert.” Killua sat up slowly, a mixture of hope and gratitude flooding him and lifting an unbearable weight from his chest. Metaphorically, only, unfortunately.

     “So we can talk to someone?” He asked, cracking a small smile of hope. Leorio gave him the thumbs up, grinning.

     “Are you kidding? We’ll have you fixed before Gon ever knows!”

A sigh of relief. Killua slid off the couch, standing and pointing with his blanket-hand to the kitchen.

     “Then… Do you want some coffee? While we talk more about…” A small glance downwards, full of resentment, “This?”

Leorio smiled. “Sure. And I’ll take the blanket.” He held his hand out expectantly. Killua glared and stepped away, securing it firmly around his shoulders.

     “Not on your life, you pervert. I’m not having you stare at this stupid girl body while I’m trying to discuss important things with you!” 

     “You’ll have to let it go at some point Killua. There’s no reason to be ashamed!”

     “I’m not ashamed, I’m pissed off, you idiot!”

     They moved into the kitchen, and Leorio got situated on a stool around the small glass table in the miniscule dining area. Killua turned away from him, glowering at the marbled counter before slipping the blanket off, quietly, bunching it on the floor in the corner of the kitchen. He wanted to curl up and die. Just walking with these- these  _ things _ attached to his chest, bouncing around freely, made him want to fold his arms over his chest and fall into oblivion. He kept his back turned as much as possible as he prepped the coffee pot, rinsing it out and filling it with water. He exchanged the filters and ground the coffee silently, ignoring Leorio’s curious looks. Each second was agony, stretched out for an eternity, and he tried not to move too much because- because… When he moved,  _ so did they. _

     “You look uncomfortable, Killua.” Leorio simpered. Killua turned a bit more, frowning furiously at the floor before shoving the coffee pot back in it’s spot and pressing Start.

     “Yeah, no fricken joke, Leorio. I wonder why!” He muttered sarcastically to himself. “If you woke up with boobs, I wonder how you would feel! Completely comfortable, I bet!” He picked the blanket up and held it over himself, sitting down at the table. God, just sitting felt different. His ass was bigger. He could feel it. Everything about this made him feel bigger and smaller at the same time- and it confused the hell out of him.

The gurgling of the coffee pot was familiar and warm, easing some of his anxiety. Soon the rich smell of brewing coffee permeated the small space, and part of Killua relaxed. He confronted his biggest problem with the entire thing- Gon.

     “How are we gonna hide it from Gon?” He asked, getting straight to the point. Leorio shifted in his spot, drumming the table.

     “I- The only thing I can think to do is keep you away from him entirely, at all costs.”

Killua’s stomach sank. “Is it so noticeable?” 

Leorio’s eyes travelled down, then back up. He sighed, resting his head on his hand.

     “Is it so bad if Gon knows? What’re you so afraid of?” He prodded. Killua swallowed.

     “It’s not about being afraid. I just… I don’t want him to know. I want to be fixed- and, and…” Killua couldn’t elaborate. He didn’t know, fully, why it gave him such a bad feeling to think of Gon finding out. But his insides screamed at him, new insides that they now were, “BADBADBADBAD” and so Killua had resolved to listen to the warning bells, because who knew what would happen?

Change.

     “I want to focus on a solution. So that I spend as little time in this state as I possibly can.” Preferably much, much less time than a month.

     “Leorio,” He asked weakly, “On the off chance that I end up being like this for a month… Then…” Leorio nodded, reaching across the table to pat Killua's clenched hand.

     “I will help you through that when the time comes, okay? Put it out of your mind for now. Let’s just plan to get this over and done with before then.”

     “Alright,” Killua consented, “I like that plan.” And hopefully they could stick to it.

     “But, about Gon- he’ll come home eventually… And I just want to be- I don’t want…” He stared down at himself. “I need to be somewhere else, I guess. If it ends up being more than temporary… Than I’ll find a way to let him know. But…”

     “You could stay at my house.” Leorio offered. Relief flooded Killua’s chest as he looked at Leorio’s kind amber eyes.

     “No way,” He gushed, “Really? Leorio… Thank you.” The doctor’s eyes softened into a smile, and he shrugged.

     “I’m here for you, Killua. I won’t let this end badly. Why don’t you go pack some stuff before the coffee finishes? I don’t know when Gon might be here…” 

Killua could cry at the consideration of his friend. But he wouldn’t. He’d get up from the table, nodding another thanks and amble down hall back into his room. 

The sunlight cast dappled patterns on his blue walls, giving the room a light, airy feeling. He shoved his blanket back on the bed, then crouched to retrieve his travel pack from under the bed. His hips now fit awkwardly into his sleeping shorts, ass pulling the fabric tight and the lack of any frontal tension leaving them awkwardly slack. It all felt weird, but you couldn’t tell by looking at him. He was only a bit smaller now, but he could feel it as he yanked a sweatshirt over his head. It hung lower, baggier, except at the chest, where he could still see two defined shapes under the sweatshirt’s material. The shoes were damned near hopeless- they slid right off his feet. He wondered if he’d changed genders or actually just shrunk. He didn’t know what to pack with such an abysmal state. He opted for the only pair of sweatpants he owned, and an iffy pair of shorts. Baggy shirts- he didn’t know what girls did to keep their boobs up and in place, but he thought now it might be some kind of magic. Best to cover them up the best he could. He felt a strange loss- a fascinating, sick kind of sadness when he thought about the fact that his dick was gone. It was- well, it was his dick. He’d kind of assumed it’d always be there. How did girls go to the bathroom? 

A barrage of questions flooded his mind as he packed, until eventually he had to just sit on the floor in amazement at all he didn’t know. Did girls shave their legs? Their armpits? Did the hair just naturally not grow? Would his head hair grow faster? What kind of underwear would he wear?

He slammed his head into his knees. 

     “Underwear? This isn’t permanent! It’s just temporary! I’ll be a boy again soon- I don’t need to think about  _ underwear.”  _ His face burned.

     “Killua?” Leorio called from the kitchen. “Coffee’s done! I’ll get travel mugs! What’s holding you up?” 

     “Fricken underwear,” He muttered under his breath. Then, out loud, “I’m done!”

Killua slipped on flip flops- still way too big, but not as noticeably so- and slung the bag over his shoulder, only to be confronted with another problem.

     “Seriously?” He swore down at the traitorous things, “I can’t even have my bag handle across there without you guys butting in and being jerks? I hate you, but we’re stuck with each other right now!” He adjusted, sliding his thumb under the bag’s strap so it wasn’t wedged between the damned lumps on his chest. “Try and play nice, at least!”

He opened the door and walked back into the kitchen, where Leorio was stirring half and half into two travel mugs. He looked up as Killua came padding in.

     “Wanna write a note or something, Killua?” He asked, screwing the lids on. Killua shook his head, waving his phone. 

     “I’ll text him. We need to go, though. I don’t wanna run into him on the way out.”

     “Alright. Grab your cup, we’ll go.”

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, here's the third chapter! We're not far in but one of the comments sparked a thought process about my plot for the story, and the eventually ending which hinges on a detail that I now find wouldn't be entirely realistic.  
> My thoughts start with the fact that we have canon trans characters. This means not only that they exist, but that you can transition your gender in some way. And that knowledge wouldn't be entirely unavailable to Killua. He would search desperately, in the state I've thrown him in, until he found that information. So now I wonder- what do I do? He could easily just live with his circumstances and transition back into a boy and it would be no worse for him. And that ruins the plot I had. It's so easy. I don't want to do it- but there's no reason why he wouldn't take that option if it was presented to him.  
> So forgive me. I am going to avoid that solution with some nifty tricks, circumstance, other character's persuasion and his own error and if logic and realism fail me going through this, I hope what I've planned makes it worth it when we come out the other side. <3 Bear with me. I wasn't prepared for this issue because, when I first started reading fanfiction years ago, there weren't things like that that would fix the problem so easily. And so when I plotted this out I didn't even think of that because of how this premise has been dealt with in previous fic I've read. These details are important. And unfortunately there's a little bit of an uncomfortable compromise here because this is a fun, lighthearted fic and a slow burn- and to make it the way it's planned to be I have to maneuver it so Killua never learns of a way to simply transition back. My reasoning is faulty- however I'm forging ahead and hopefully that will not bother anyone! <3  
> Now that I've said my piece and put a giant plot disclaimer on all of this, here's your chapter!

 

 ***     ***     ***

 

The car ride to Leorio’s was silent. Killua kept his arms folded over his chest, fidgeting in the leather seat and avoiding eye contact with his friend as they drove down the sunny main roads to his downtown apartment. It was planted right in the middle of the college center, and Killua hoped they wouldn’t run into too many people, because Gon knew practically everyone and news would reach him, somehow, Killua was sure. He had to be careful.

A glance out the window distracted him briefly with the rush of cars and blur of decorative trees lining the busy sidewalks. He leaned his head on the window quietly, wondering if there really was a way to reverse what had happened. If it was nen- surely they could find something, or just kill whoever did it, given that there were no conditions that made the nen remain even after the culprit was dead. But... Killua couldn't help but worry over the possibility, as unlikely as it was, that there wasn't a solution. Because what would happen to him? If he was stuck in a girls body forever? He didn't know what he'd do.

“Kurapika won’t stop by, will he?” Killua asked, his nervousness finally reaching it’s breaking point. Leorio glanced at him from the side, leaning forward and clutching the steering wheel. They pulled to a turn, and Leorio stalled for time, keeping his eyes off Killua's expectant stare as he switched the blinker on and slowed at the sign.

 

  "He might," Leorio finally admitted. "But I can call him, keep him away. Say I have a lot of studying to do or something." They pulled to the left and started down a straight road through the middle of town, surrounded on all sides by the massive buildings and parked cars by the crowded crosswalks. Killua considered this for a moment.

 

"I don't wanna force you to lie to him, though." He rested once more with his cheek pressed to the window's cool glass, watching the gravel of the street whiz by in an incoherent blur. The sun glinted off the glass into his eyes, and he squinted against the harsh rays. Leorio didn't respond and he didn't wait, eventually closing his eyes and trying to let the roar of the drive lull him out of reality.

 

*** *** ***

 

  "You go on ahead, Killua. I'll get your bag."

Killua scowled at the chivalry, knowing that before, Leorio never would have offered to take care of his luggage like that. But he was being waved on ahead, and it seemed, as Leorio bent to lift the travel pack from the backseat, that Killua didn't have much of a choice. He conceded with a sigh of exhasperation.

 

"Okay, Leorio, but quit it with your acts of kindness. If you start opening the door for me, I will kick you." The threat was half hearted. After all, Leorio was trying as hard as he could to be kind in this miserable situation. Killua sauntered to the door with his hands tucked in the sweatshirt's pockets, keeping his head down lest any of the college students scurrying around, loaded down with textbooks for their afternoon classes, might recognize him.

 

Leorio's cramped apartment building stood with dignity off the main courtyard of the college,

 

 

against a row of trees, stretched across a green lawn, flush with beautiful pruned hedges and seasonal flowers that seemed ill befitting considering just across the street was the smoke shop and Corner Mart. It was a beautiful campus, almost peaceful, but the bustle of traffic and city life bloomed through the buildings ceaselessly.

 

His footsteps resounded through the stairway as he ran up the stairs- oh shit, they were bouncing like crazy! Killua stopped mid step, hovering with one hand on the railing and his glare cast, once again, at the offenders. Leorio came bounding up behind him, the travel bag tucked under one arm. He slowed and watched Killua, whose face burned as he continued to glower at his chest.

 

"Having trouble, there, Killua?" He snorted, shifting the bag to his other arm. Killua turned his icy stare to Leorio. Then back down. Finally, he had to throw his hands up in defeat.

 

"I just don't get it, Leorio! They're gonna hit me in the face! What do girls do?! What sorcery do they use to keep these things in place?! Is it nen?! I don't understand! I can't run at all!"

 

Leorio laughed at him, walking past him to the landing. Killua followed, cautiously, aware of every tiny bounce. He felt hopelessly exposed.

 

"It's called a bra, Killua!" Leorio called, chuckles echoing down the hallway of flat, pale green doors. Killua raised an eyebrow, walking after Leorio and endlessly confused.

 

  "That's what those are for?! I thought girls just wore them because guys liked them so much! I didn't realize they had purpose!" Weird, frilly, lacy things gracing the chests of every girl decorating the magazines sold at the corner stores and shifty shops of downtown. The kind of thing that called Leorio to mind. Killua didn't think girls actually had to wear them!

 

The laughing continued down a long hallway, until Killua was forced to ignominiously yell for the idiot to just shut up and stop making fun of him. He shuffled his feet while Leorio unlocked the door, miffed and flustered. Keeping his head ducked down he stomped into the cramped space, flip flops slapping on the tile entryway. Off to the right was a small living space, a kitchen through another doorway and the hall leading to the two bedrooms and bathroom. The furniture was simple and mismatched, all personality instead of aesthetic. It made Killua smile.

 

"Do all the doctor students have apartments that smell like analgesics?" Killua wrinkled his nose. Leorio chuckled, dropping his bag next to the squat green couch, soft fabric, nothing like the expensive leather couch Gon and he shared.

 

"Such cheap digs. Never expected you to live so modestly, Leorio." He smirked facetiously, taking a long drink from his coffee cup. Leorio rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly.

 

"Actually, I have it cuz Kurapika... He, ah, comes over a lot, and he says this couch is really

 

 

comfortable for reading."

 

A smile curved across Killua's mouth, an eyebrow raising. "Kurapika, eh? Well, that's a great reason. I like it." He crossed over the carpet, leaving his flip flops in a jumble by the door, and plopped down on the cushy green seat. It enfolded him comfortably, all worn stuffing and broken in perfectly. He could just fall asleep on it right now.

 

He said as much to Leorio, but was promptly dissuaded from the idea with a "Let's get you settled in first."

 

Getting settled in, apparently, involved being shown the bathroom and it's miniscule porcelain glory, catching another horrifying glimpse of himself in the mirror. It was so shocking to look so different.

 

The tour was about fifteen minutes long, and Killua threw his pack onto the guest bed before following Leorio back out to the living room to discuss the game plan.

 

Killua sat back in his plush spot on the couch, raising his hand. When called on, he said,

 

"Okay, I really wanna get started on a solution and stuff, believe me, but I need to eat. My stomach is slowly eating itself, either that or there's a very angry drowning cat mewling at me from inside my intestinal track. But either way, we should make food our next investment." His stomach assented with a loud gurgle, and hollow growl. Leorio's tone was understanding- it seemed they'd both forfeited breakfast for this little fiasco, and Killua felt grateful to have such a kind hearted and willing friend. He'd just be freaking out if he'd had to do all this alone.

 

"Well, since we're both so hungry, wanna go get some donuts from the cafe downstairs?" Leorio offered, standing to reach for his keys and wallet, "I'll pay."

 

Killua stared at the door longingly, wishing to say yes. Instead, with a sigh of resignation he thumped his foot against the couch and picked at his thumb. "Sorry, but... I don't really want people seeing me, you know..."

 

Leorio didn't waste a second on bad feelings or disappointment. He smiled, and waved his apology off. "It's fine. There are a lot of people here so I understand you being cautious. Gon comes here often so he knows most of the students in my building. I'll go, alright? And I'll bring you back three donuts. Hahaha- maybe that'll be enough sugar to satiate you for a while!" Killua gave him a grateful smile.

 

  "Thanks a lot, Leorio. God, I've been hungry for like two hours. So I'm really grateful. For all you've done." He shrugged awkwardly, trying to mask the thanks with casual body language. All this mushy stuff needed to be said- but he didn't always have the best way with words.

 

 

 

"No problem, kid. But while I'm gone, you should probably text a certain someone, yeah? Let him know where you are so he doesn't come home and freak out?" And the door was open, bringing in a gust of cool air and Leorio twirled the keys on his finger. His whistle rang through the hallway. When the door closed, Killua shook his head. He slid down on the couch, closing his eyes painfully and found himself alone with the sound of silence, and his own thoughts.

 

Slowly, Killua found, he was getting used to the feeling of having a different body. Not entirely- and things were weird, uncomfortable, and unfamiliar. But... He'd kind of stopped noticing every time he moved or jumped a little.

Kind of. 

 

"Guess I should probably..." He grumbled, taking out his phone. The lock screen slid away, giving view to a picture of Alluka, standing in front of Heavens Arena. He smiled. He should call Alluka at some point too- it'd been at least a week since their last phone call, since Alluka was travelling a bit on her own, but she'd come back a couple days ago and he still hadn't called to ask about the trip. Maybe, though, he should do it when he wasn't sporting a set of female vocal cords. He found a new hatred for the situation- he couldn't even call his own sister yet. Some part of him wanted no one to ever learn of this event if he found he could fix things. It would be troublesome and worthless to bring up and rile everyone up if he was able to simply change back with a little nen. 

 

A hope he very much was trying to keep alive while he waited to learn the truth. He drained the dregs of his coffee, letting the heat of the liquid ease the tension inside of him. He bucked up his courage and finally texted Gon.

 

Gon had arrived home, apparently. A fact he learned very quickly when not even thirty seconds after he sent the first text, Gon responded.

 

**Hey, Gon.**

**KILLUA?! WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!?**

 

 

Killua pinched the bridge of his nose. So much for not freaking out.

 

**I'm... At Leorios.**

 

**Leorio's? Is everything alright?**

**Yeah. Everything's fine, you weirdo. I'm just spending a couple days here.**

**But why?**

**Just felt like it, Freecs.**

**Okay! I'll pack some stuff and come over, too, then!**

 

Killua groaned. If Gon came over... He had to stop him. His heart pounded.

**No no, don't do that. Haha, this is one-man trip.**

**What? Y? Killua!**

**I need some time away from you, Freecs.**

 

**What did I do, Killua? Are you mad at me?!**

**No- I was kidding!**

**Oh... Well, then I can come over, too?**

 

Killua wanted to cry. He didn't want to reject Gon, or the hunter might sulk for a week. And it seemed so mean to just refuse him, when he seemed so excited. They did everything together. And now he was being told no. Ahh...

 

**Nah, not this time, Gon. I'm just gonna be here with Leorio for a while.**

**How long is a while? Can I see u guys at all? I'm gonna be lonely! :(**

**Call Kurapika or something. We're having some personal bonding time.**

Bonding time. Even Killua didn't believe himself.

**R you sure nothing's wrong, Killua? Ur acting weird. I'm gonna call you, okay? I wanna talk to u.**

**No! It's fine, Gon! Geez, ur acting like a mom. I'll be home seriously in a day or two so just let me be, kay?**

**KILLUA! Ur so mean to me! Fine, but I'm gonna be in that area so we might see each other... :)**

**GON! DON'T COME DOWN HERE THAT DEFEATS THE ENTIRE PURPOSE!!!**

**BUT KILLUA YOU SEEM LIKE SOMETHINGS WRONG AND IF THATS TRUE THAN I WANNA HELP!**

**NOTHING IS WRONG AT ALL! :| I PROMISE I JUST WANT TO SPEND SOME TIME WITH LEORIO. We're always in a group and I just called him on a whim.**

**... Okay....**

 

Damn it. Gon was sulking. He sighed, biting down on his thumbnail hard.

 

**You'll be fine for two days.**

**1**

**...wat?**

 

**Only one day, okay, Killua? Or else I'm coming down there.**

**One day and night.**

He kicked against the couch in time to his rapidly beating heart, breathing deeply to try and calm himself down. His stomach clenched and churned painfully.

 

**Okay. Then, can I at least hear your voice?**

**No.**

**What?! WHY?! Hahaha, I'm gonna be alone for two days and I don't even get to say a personal good bye?**

**It's only a day and a night!**

**;)**

**U suck, Killua. :P FIne! I don't wanna hear your stupid voice anyways!**

**Liar.**

 

There was a moment, a pause. Gon didn't text back. Killua thought maybe he was upset, and poised to send another text, holding the phone close to his face in concentration, but suddenly the loud song of his ring blasted in his face. He jumped with a yell and twisted off the couch, smacking his elbow on the table with a sharp crack, his ass landing painfully on the ground. He swore and fumbled to answer the damned thing- when he saw the screen.

 

Gon? Fuck.

 

Out of his own panic, he hung up without answering on the third ring. Another frustrated sigh left him as he slumped against the couch, sprawled on the carpet with his legs tucked under the coffee table. His phone vibrated and he glanced down wearily.

**WE WERE JUST TALKING WHY'D YOU HANG UP ON ME?!?!?!?!**

**SOMETHING MUST BE WRONG WHY CANT I TALK TO YOU?!?!?!**

 

Killua swore again, biting down onto his lip. What should he say? What would get Gon to lay off? Did he have a chance in the world?

 

**OKAY KILLUA I'M COMING OVER! AND I'M TURNING MY PHONE OFF SO YOU WON'T TRY AND STOP ME!!!!**

 

 

 

Killua's heart leapt into his throat, the anxiety taking over and sending him into panic mode.

 

**NO GON PLEASE!!!**

**STOP!!**

**WE HAD A DEAL! ONE DAY AND A NIGHT GEEZ!**

No answer. His brow furrowed, breath heavy with panic.

 

**GON WHY ARE YOU BEING STUBBORN I EXPLAINED IT TO YOU ALREADY!!!!!**

Nothing.

 

Gon was going to show up.

 

 And Killua was going to die.


	4. Chapter 4

Killua's hands trembled as he clutched the phone tightly, like it was his lifeline. The screen remained the same; cold, Gon's messages piled up like five-ton platforms, crushing his chest. He twisted off the ground, stood on the dingy carpeting and began a swift, frantic pace around the sunny living room. His mind raced, heart pounding and stare fixated worriedly on the door as if any moment Gon would burst in, despite only having messaged Killua a minute ago.

He wiped sweat-slicked palms on the front of his ill-fitting shorts, fingers curling inward with anxiety as the panicked charge of his nen rose in the air around him, bringing every hair on his head to a crackling standpoint. 

_Run away?_ He wondered fleetingly. But if he did that, it would start a chase, one he was likely to lose. Gon was too stubborn. The only way to fix the problem would be to somehow convince Gon _not_ to show up, but with his phone off...

Killua raked a hand through his hair with stiff, jerky movements. 

"Fuck," He said again, getting the desperate urge to cry in frustration. He didn't want Gon to see him like this- vulnerable, and confused, and most of all _uncomfortable_ as hell. He knew Gon would probably scold him for making such a big deal out of things. But it all felt out of his control, and his anxiety level was too high to consider it rationally, so instead of helping himself feel any better Killua let out an angry sob and tried to think of what the fuck he was gonna actually _do._

His shaking fingers fumbled through the call log, and he pressed Leorio's contact icon with all the strength and lingering hope he could muster. With one hand pushing the flat, cool screen to his flushed face and the other poking his thumbnail between his teeth, Killua held his breath, telling himself, _"Leorio will know what to do!"_

_Brrrring._ The muffled ring in his ear. He shifted.

_Please._

_Please pick up._

"E jan chotto chikanderu bokuraga!" The familiar, cheery song burst through the still, tense air from the kitchen. Killua's heart dropped into his stomach.

"DAMN IT!" Killua let out a strangled scream before hurling his phone at the ground.

_Leorio left his fucking phone here!_

Killua's pacing became a furious march as he bit back tears of fear. Gon was gonna come over. He was gonna show up and walk in and see Killua and-and...

He stopped. His eyes widened, a childish idea brightening in his mind like a lightbulb. Gon might come over... But...

Killua walked with a new determination, passed the tv, passed the hall closet and the bathroom, his own mind blurred and frantic but he knew _exactly_ what to do.

The guest bedroom wasn't big, but the squat full sized bed would provide him what he needed. He clambered over quickly, climbing under the fluffy green comforter. It enfolded him in warmth as he tugged it over his head, burying his face in the Leorio-smelling pillow, pretending that if he couldn't see anything, then nothing could see him, either. After all, Gon didn't know he was inside.

If he hid here, he should be fine. 

It felt like an eternity of waiting anxiously, minutes slipping by in muffled breaths and clenched fistfuls of blankets as he tried to make himself shrink- maybe he would disappear if he tried hard enough. It took everything in him not to jump out the window, but at least he had the presence of mind to know that doing so would potentially, and likely, make things even worse.  Light filtered just so through the thin cotton above his head, and the rest of the small space around him was dim with the slow seconds passing by. His ears were trained entirely on the living room, trying to pick up even the barest sounds of Gon's car, anything that might tip him off to the hunters arrival. It made his heartbeat speed every time there was a creak or footstep. He felt like a child.

Finally the moment seemed to pounce upon him. First, there was an unsteady rhythm of footsteps bounding up the stairs and through the hall, and Killua squeezed his eyes shut, not ready at all for what may come next- if Gon came in, let him just leave again. Let him think no one's home-

The footsteps where thunderous at the front door, and the door knob was twisted with an impatient squeaking sound before those footsteps were unsure on quiet carpeting. Killua curled up a little tighter, his chest constricting with a panic that almost forced his hatsu out, and would have, if not for Killua's furious meditating.

_Thump thump thump thump thump_

Gon was at the guest bedroom. Killua held his breath completely still as an uncanny silence took over him, a calm that lay in wait for the storm.

"Killua?" 

Killua let out a yelp, an outward display of all his bottled up panic, before the tone and tenor of the voice registered. He knew it, but that wasn't- that wasn't _Gon._

"K-Kurapika?" He poked his head out cautiously, his heart twisting before a flood of relief made him exhale loudly. The blonde stood in the doorway with a kind smile, and it reassured Killua instantly.

"It's just you... OH thank fucking goodness..." Killua collapsed on the bed, then winced at the discomfort when pangs of pain shot through his chest. Couldn't even lay facing down. He groaned, a mix of happiness and irritation.

"I thought you might be hiding," Kurapika said, leaning out of the doorway to call "He's in here!" down the hall. Killua sat up, massaging his temples. He was trying to process the events that had occurred, and cope with the fact that no, Gon wasn't here. How could relief be almost as suffocating as anxiety? He breathed out.

Leorio ran down the hall loudly, yelling "THANK GOODNESS!", to join Kurapika in the doorway. They both watched Killua sympathetically as he fell back on the bed, letting himself sink into the comforter and feel the sun warm his face. A languid feeling entered his chest as the rise and fall of his breath grew steady and calm. When he reopened his eyes, Leorio was standing over him. In his hands he swung a pastel pink paper bag emitting a sweet, buttery fragrance that set Killua's mouth watering. He sat up immediately, eyes wide, grappling for the bag.

"I figured you'd need these?" Leorio smiled, dangling the bag just out of his reach. Killua made a grab for it, wincing as his chest moved with no amount of grace to the jumping motion. His gaze flicked shamefully to Kurapika, and he sat down again, folding his arms over his chest. Leorio bit back a chuckle.

"Sorry. We really should get you a bra-"

"Shut up," Killua muttered, glancing down. His face erupted in flames. Kurapika sighed. 

"Leorio, give him the donuts. We need him to be cordial as he explained _what exactly_ happened." 

Killua's jaw dropped. "ME?! You guys are the ones who need to explain! How are you here?!?!? Where the fuck is Gon?!?! I was pissing myself waiting for him to show up!"

Leorio burst out in loud guffaws of laughter that boomed through the small room as Kurapika bowed his head, a small flick of irritation in his upper lip as he reprimanded Killua, "Don't be so vulgar! It doesn't sound right coming out of-"

Killua raised an eyebrow. Irritation constricted inside his stomach. Even Leorio stopped laughing, grimacing.

"Out of what? A girl's mouth?!" He bit his lip as fresh tears of frustration stung the corners of his eyes. But of course. Kurapika was only saying the truth. The rules for Killua were all different now, weren't they?

Kurapika sighed again, his features softening into an apologetic smile. He stepped over to Killua and put his hand on his shoulder. 

"Sorry. We'll make it better. But you can rest easy for now- Gon's not coming over here any time soon."

Killua sniffled quietly and nodded, speaking softly. "I really, really fucking hope not."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't get this up as soon as I would have liked- but I had 2 meetings, a con, an assembly, an appointment, and got sick, all in the course of a week! So it's been crazy! But all of you were so excited to see Gon's reaction- I was laughing because I knew what was coming! This is a slow burn, I need to tell you. But the payoff is well worth it, I hope! Just wait, guys ohhhh I hope you all will love what I've got planned! Well, anyways, hope you enjoyed this! More coming very soon! (Sooner than last time!!!) <33333


	5. Chapter 5

The room was quiet, filled with Killua's stifled sniffles as he wiped his eyes. While it was good Gon hadn't shown up, Killua suddenly felt heavy with all of his emotions. And the day wasn't close to being over. 

With a sigh, Killua stood up. The bed creaked as he slid off it to stand on the floor, wiggling his toes on the carpet. He took the pink pastry bag from Leorio's outstretched hand, avoiding the heat of his careful stare. Kurapika was wearing eyes to match Leorio's, and in the silence Killua grew red with the attention. It was exactly what he _didn't_ want. Drying his eyes, he walked past the pair into the hallway. His voice sounded all stuffed up, a fact he tried to diminish with another round of sniffles, to no avail, when he demanded;

"Why are we all sitting here?" He wiped the back of his hand across his mouth, trying for a limp grin, "You guys have some _'splainin_ to do." With feigned nonchalance he thrusted his free hand into his pocket and padded, head ducked to stare at the plain carpet, into the living room.

"What's 'splainin?" Kurapika questioned jokingly. Killua just rolled his eyes, curling up on the couch's far right corner. With Kurapika and Leorio seated side-by-side on the coffee table, facing him like an indestructible wall of sympathy, he felt like an ant under the inspection of a microscope-or, perhaps a better comparison was a child getting in trouble with mom and dad. It made him shrink farther into the worn cushioning, pulling up the donuts both to cover his chest and give his hands something to do. He ignored Kurapika's wince when he messily pulled out one of the sweet smelling pastries, it's powder dusting the front of his sweatshirt and shorts.

The donut was still warm despite it's long journey- Killua laughed inwardly- and it provided desperately needed solace when he took a big chomp, dense powered cake giving way to the sickly sweet raspberry jelly, melting in all its sugary goodness across his tongue. He heaved a sigh around the bite, thankful for Leorio's incomparable ability to choose flavors. 

The rest of the first donut was gone within seconds, taste unable to outweigh the fierce growling in his stomach. Leorio and Kurapika waited patiently, and when he licked the last of the sugar from his fingers he finally grew aware of their fixed stares on him. He glared hard at the pair, but it did little to help.

After an intense staredown lasting several torturous seconds of Killua's gaze flicking between the two sets of eyes, Killua had grown unbearably warm with embarrassment, and in a flustered cry he snapped,

"One of you guys can start any second now! How the hell did you get here, Pika?  One second, Gon's gonna show up, but the next, _you two_ burst in, and I don't know a damn thing! So-" He collapsed back, trying to force the tension from his shoulders- "Fess up."

Kurapika sighed, folding his arms. The responsibility to explain, Killua could clearly see, was on him. Leorio watched Kurapika just as expectantly.

"Well," Kurapika started, "I was out dealing with some business things... I got a call from Gon-distressed-talking about how you left suddenly to go to Leorio's, and stopped talking to him with a profuse refusal to engage in contact of any kind. This worried him. He sensed something was wrong- he wanted to drive over but was afraid to make you angry. So I talked him into sitting tight while I came to see for myself. I figured I'd probably be better equipped to handle any situation than Gon would, since he was so worried. I did call you, Killua."

Killua's brow furrowed. "You did? But I didn't... Ah-wait..." He leaned forward. On the floor by the couch it lay- his phone. He picked it up gingerly, flipping it over to view the damage. Immediately he groaned.

"Damn it- I _broke it!_ " The screen was a shattered mess- wouldn't even turn on, Killua found, as he jammed the button with frustrated jabs. Killua shoved the thing in his pocket with an exasperated sigh, sitting back and waving for Kurapika to continue.

A wry smile of amusement curled over Kurapika's lips at Killua's predicament, and the obvious misdirection of his rage and panic, which, accompanied by Leorio's chuckle, only provided in darkening his irritation. He plucked the second donut from the bag and sloppily bit down, dripping raspberry down his chin, successfully blocking all his snarky comment. Leorio chortled again, this time earning Kurapika's reprimanding elbow in his side. Leorio winced.

"Oi, Kurapika!"

"Anyways, you didn't pick up- and I pulled in here to see Leorio on his way back. But when you weren't with him, I assumed he didn't know about Gon yet, and his pace was leisurely, so-"

"You have some bone to pick today, Pika? It wasn't _leisurely-_ "

"Hush, Leorio."

Killua bit back a laugh as Leorio fell silent, his glare morphing into disbelief. He gestured at the smirking blonde before widening his eyes at Killua, as if to say, _'Can you believe this?!'_

Kurapika went on, ignoring Leorio.

"I jumped from the car and caught Leorio. After telling him that Gon had said he was coming, Leorio got really panicked. We raced back here to find you. I was unaware of-" His eyes swept Killua up and down- " _Everything_ that was going on, but Leorio seemed to know how you'd react, and he knew it was imperative we reach you quickly."

Killua raised an eyebrow. "Wait- So you came here _not knowing_ that I was- I was like _this_?" He motioned towards himself. Kurapika pressed his mouth into a thin line, hiding a smile. He nodded.

Sitting back, Killua shook his head incredulously. "You-you're so chill. I had no idea. Leorio was so-" He grappled for the right words, his hands turning in the air. 

"So _not._ He was so excited-" No. That wasn't it at all... "But in like- the _worst possible way_." 

It was Kurapika's turn to cast Leorio an exasperated look. The man in question had his arms folded, and he was carefully observing the ceiling. 

"I-I wouldn't say _excited_..." He mumbled thoughtfully.

"What would you say?" Kurapika asked. The edge in his tone made Killua smirk. Perhaps divine retribution may be wreaked, after all.

"Ah..." Leorio scooted away, glancing ignominiously at the kitchen. Under the heat of Kurapika's scrutiny, he cracked a nervous smile.

"It was just... _Shocking_! Not my fault. You see it, too, Kurapika! So don't blame me for staring!"

Kurapika scoffed, turning the other way and crossing his arms. 

"I'm not so crass, Leorio. I'd prefer if you didn't lump the two of us together as if I'd be so brazen!" 

Glancing between the two of them, clutching his remaining donut, Killua found himself actually smiling. They sounded like an old married couple. Killua leaned back, interrupting a red-faced Leorio from inciting an untimely demise with one of his retorts,

"Alright. As amusing as it is to listen to Kurapika scold you, I'd like to hear the end of the explanation."  They both stopped, their expression betraying surprise at the fact that Killua was even still in the room. Typical. After a pause, Kurapika cleared his throat.

"Ah. Well, on my side there's not much more to say. Because of yours and Leorio's equal understanding of the situation, as I said, he knew you'd panic about Gon seeing you like this," He gripped the edge of the table, leaning forward to focus in on Killua's face. "I, for one, judged based on Gon's retelling of your reaction. I sensed that something else was going on, like Gon did, and that it wouldn't be pertinent to allow him to disrupt whatever you were trying to do."

"You sure know me, Pika my guy," Killua murmured. He sighed, resting his head back on the couch. "Still, I don't know what to do. I mean, I don't wanna _do_ this to everyone!" He pushed the pastry bag off his lap onto the cushion, pulling his legs up to his chest.

"Especially _Gon_ ," He lamented, "The boy can sulk, and at present I don't wanna do anything to bring that on!"

"It's natural for Gon to be worried," Kurapika reassured gently. "And you two just got back on better footing. So he wants to make up for lost time, and if he feels like he's being shut out..."

Killua shifted uncomfortably. "He wouldn't _need_ to. He chose to. I invited him over countless times, but he wanted to wait until he got his damn nen back-"

"To prove he could do it," Leorio reminded him. "He wanted make sure he was strong enough to handle living with- in that situation. He-"

"Stop." Killua blinked, concentrating on the carpet. He didn't want to be reminded. Not of that stupid promise.

The room grew still, the air heavy. Killua's face burned. He tried to ignore the look that they exchanged. His own feelings were getting in the way, too. An ache in his chest, an old wound-

"That reminds me!" Leorio clapped, shattering the silence. "While I was getting food, I had a conversation with the baker's daughter!"

Killua lifted his eyes, releasing the death-grip on his sweats. 

"Yeah?" He prompted. Leorio smiled.

"She said that there's a professor here, one who has a hunter's license!" He held up his index finger. "Evidently, he has the credentials to teach nen use and history. He's called in for special circumstances- nen curses, lingering nen once the user has died, injuries inflicted by Specialist abilities, stuff like that! There's no class here- we'll have to show him our licenses and pay a service fee, but tomorrow we'll go down there... There's hope, at least!" Kurapika nodded his assent. Both of the Hunters eyed Killua closely, gauging his reaction to the news. There was a mixture of relief and wariness belied in his eyes, in the way he relaxed into the seat, blowing out the breath he'd been holding. He bit his lip.

"Really? Well... That's... Good. Thanks- both of you." His fingers curled inward. "I don't even want to think about- I-... I was really worried. If Gon had come over-"

"We're glad too," Leorio interjected, his brown eyes softening with his smile. 

"We just want to help, okay?" Kurapika added, "I didn't come back for nothing. I'm here for you guys now." 

Killua nodded, but he didn't miss the way Kurapika's gaze had automatically flitted to Leorio. While the basic events of the journey they'd taken had been disclosed to the public, Killua knew there were dozens of details that had been left out. And two years ago when they'd come back, Killua knew that whatever they had gone through on the Dark Continent, he'd probably never be fully aware of, but it had given Kurapika the eyes he wore now. It was a look meant for Leorio- one that said a million things Killua couldn't recognize. But he clearly understood two things-

_Thank you._

_I came back for you._

They were eyes that held way more than Killua could've handled, had he ever been on the receiving end. But Leorio always returned it full heartedly. The flicker was gone, though, and the look had melted away into Kurapika's usual hyper-focused stare.

Killua stood, dusting off crumbs and powdered sugar, licking from his lips the last traces of raspberry.

"I'm gonna make more coffee," He said absently. Leorio and Kurapika quickly moved to join him.

"Do you need help finding everything?" Leorio asked. Shaking his head, Killua waved them both off.

"Nah. Same as last place, right? Cupboard above the coffee pot?" He gave a small smirk. His mind was racing- and he needed a moment to sort himself. 

Leorio noticed this shift in his mood and nodded curtly.

"Yeah. ALright. And I'll..."

"Well, I should be going, actually," Kurapika said, turning to Leorio, "So if you could see me out?" 

"Ah- sure."

Killua waved. "Thanks. See ya later, then."

Kurapika's eyes lingered on Killua for a moment that he almost didn't notice. He shifted, and Kurapika immediately turned away. 

"Yes. I'll call later to check in. Killua, good luck."

"Yeah."

WIth a gust of air smelling of sunshine, Killua was left standing alone in the living room. He tuned his ears in curiously on the murmur of his friends voices outside the front door.

"-So different!" An enthusiastic Kurapika, his tone varied drastically from the professional politeness he'd shown Killua just a moment ago. Leorio's voice was one of knowing excitement.

"Right?! And super pretty, huh? I swear- I had a hard time recognizing it as Killua! I couldn't look away!"

Killua glared at the floor, heat rising to his face. Those punk bastards-

"Leorio, please, don't make this any harder for him!" The curtness was back. Killua smiled. _Vindicated_!

"Me?! Make it harder?! You're joking. You must be jealous," Leorio chuckled. Killua's brow furrowed, but his confusion was disrupted by a swift crack and a yelp, followed by Leorio's pained laughter.

"Not a chance! I simply don't want Killua subjected to your tactless comments!"

"You go, Pika!" Killua cheered quietly. Out the side window, Killua watched two young guys barrel down the courtyard, their backpacks jumping up and down as they ran. Training? Looked ridiculous-

"You're so mean to me!" Came the laugh in response. Shaking his head, Killua tuned back out and headed into the kitchen. He stopped at the entryway, raising an eyebrow.

"Damn. This looks like Alluka's dollhouse," He muttered to himself. But... _Tinier_ , somehow. The blue and white cracked tiles lay under a sterilized sheen, as did the countertops, which had been crowded with various mismatched canisters holding pasta, flour, sugar, and cooking utensils. Over the oven handle draped a funky green towel, matching the one spread out under a plastic dish rack. Killua noted the sad lack of a dishwasher. The sink was cramped, but deep. And made of steel. What the hell?

Taking the two small steps to the coffee pot, Killua dragged in a heavy breath.

 _Gon wasn't coming over._ The relief of that realization had completely overshadowed the fact that Kurapika _had_ , and now knew. For some reason, though, Killua found that he didn't mind. Was it only Gon? He hadn't hesitated to call Leorio, either. Had it just not sunk in yet? Or was...

Killua paused, hand hovering over the coffee pot, bag of grounds tipped in his fingers. He chewed his lower lip thoughtfully, shaking a neat pile into the filter.

But what was so scary about Gon? Surely, after half a year, they'd be comfortable enough...

Really, though, only a few months of that had been spent together repairing anything between them. And after five years, a couple months wasn't much. Still, they'd acted normal enough around each other. It'd been fun, even, minus the pain of that memory... And the heartache that'd followed...

Killua's fist tightened around the coffee pot's handle. He shut off the water. Damn it if this whole mess hadn't brought it all flooding back.

_Don't think about. Don't **think** about it._

_"No! I won't! Not until I have my nen back!"_

_"What? Idiot! You don't even know if that's possible!"_

_"Maybe not- but I have to try!"_

_"Even if you can't? Gon, if it doesn't work, what happens? Will you just never see me again?"_

_"...I need to be stronger, Killua.... Strong enough to keep my promise to you!"_

_"And you think regaining your nen is the way to do that?!"_

_"It's-"_

_"That's crap, Gon!!"_

_"Killua, I'm-"_

_Don't say you're sorry! Don't! Damn it, Gon, we're in this mess because of your stupid obsession with strength!"_

_" **Killua!** "_

**_"Don't use me as an excuse!"_ **

He'd hung up after that. There were few things he regretted about the last five years, and that conversation was the biggest of them all. He was too young, and too hurt, and too lonely. And he knew Gon must have been, too, but he couldn't stop the painful gnawing in his chest that had led to that outburst. He'd had no other outlet for the swelling frustration. Alluka needed constant protection. And Gon had disappeared from his side. It was-

"Stupid. He's back now. You're so _stupid_." This wasn't the issue at present. He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. Old wounds hurt, but if he focused on them, he'd be pulled in again.

Was that what it was? Was he so afraid because he didn't trust Gon the same way? Didn't wanna worry him? Bug him? _Deal_ with him? Did it always come back to nen, in the end? Was he too full of regret?

His chest ached.

 

After pressing the start button, he leaned on the counter, drumming his fingers on the speckled plastic distractedly. Because Gon's promise had worked. Despite how long it had taken. Despite the strain, and the hurt...

"And now I'm a girl, and I'm too scared to tell him." He laughed cruelly at himself. He really didn't want to tell anyone else, ever, if he might be fixed soon. There was no reason to start thinking beyond tomorrow, or tying the situation to the past so needlessly. Waiting, not knowing... It _sucked_ , but if it was just one day, he could...

The door opened.

"Geez, Kurapika's a real handful," Leorio groaned dramatically. Killua saw, though, the giant grin he wore when he stepped into the cramped kitchen. 

_Yeah, sure. What a handful._

"Leorio, wait, could you grab my donut from the couch?" Killua hitched himself onto the counter. The old man made a big show of sighing, but walked back out, relenting at what Killua _had_ to guess were his pleading eyes and sparkling personality.

"There ya go, you slave driver," Leorio said as he walked in, slinging the bag at Killua's face. He caught it with ease, and fluttered his eyelashes.

"You really are a dear," He simpered, sliding out his last donut. Leorio's eyes went wide. He shook his head.

"You shouldn't do that Killua," He reprimanded, leaning against the counter. Killua narrowed his eyes.

"Do _what_?" He demanded.

"The-the fluttery thing," Leorio held his hand to his eye, wiggling his fingers to replicate the effect. "It-you're too pretty now. It throws me off guard!" 

Before Killua could blush, he shoved the entire last donut into his mouth. Jelly dribbled down his chin, powder puffing out in clouds when he spoke around the cake,

"Doesh ish ook hetty choo oo?" Leorio made a face as crumbs fell out of his bulging cheeks.

"You need one of those self-confidence workshops!"

Killua couldn't respond while trying to chew and swallow simultaneously, so he settled for a lofty expression that would convey, hopefully, a big 'what-fucking- _ever_.'

Judging from _Leorio's_ expression, however, he thought he probably looked more like a chipmunk.

A couple seconds later, Killua made a painful go of it, swallowing thickly to force the donut down his throat.

"What-mmf-what else are we doing today?" Killua winced, licking the stickiness off his lips.

Leorio grimaced, rubbing at the day old stubble on his jaw. "Well, I know you're uncomfortable, but there's really nothing more we can do at the moment. And... I have an essay due." 

Killua picked at his nails, nodding at his hands. Leorio sighed.

"I need you to sit tight, but don't worry. I should be done before dinner... If we eat late." He grinned sheepishly. "It's just, I think at this point we're both just waiting for more information. And information comes tomorrow. So... Make yourself at home."

The coffee pot gurgled jauntily. Killua's thumbs up in response came nowhere close to that cheeriness, but- he huffed- Leorio was right. There was nothing left for either of them to do but wait.

"Oi, Leorio," He jerked his thumb towards the pot, "I made some coffee."

Leorio rubbed his hands together excitedly, eyes practically sparkling with the simple-minded happiness this gave him. "I know! I can smell it! Hehehe, I always know when the coffee's brewing!" Killua had to smile with sincerity- Leorio was just like Gon. So easily pleased.

"Well," Killua slid off the counter, watching the ceiling. "You're not that special. So can anyone else with a half decent sense of smell-"

"Hey, don't ruin it, Killua! I can tell what brew it is, too! I'm really, really good!"

Killua laughed. "Wow. You're sure impressive. Ha."

 

"Yeah, yeah. And you're sure sarcastic. Little brat. You're hereby kicked out of the kitchen," Leorio smiled, waving him towards the living room. Killua smiled innocently, putting both hands up in surrender as he scooted around Leorio to the entryway.

"Ah, I'm only joking, Leorio! You know I think you're the best!" He cheered. Leorio crossed his arms and shook his head.

"Kiss ass. Out. I'll call you when coffee's done!"

Killua put both hands in his sweatshirt pockets, innocent smile easing into his own mischievous grin.

"You should be nice to me, yeah?" He called as he padded back into the living room. "Or I'll call Kurapika and tell him you're making this harder for me!"

"EH?! You eavesdropper!" Killua had to dodge a plastic cup vaulted at his head. He stuck his tongue out at the old man, chuckling at his defensive yelling.

"You shouldn't spy on other's conversations! Or make threats! Stupid little kid!"

"Oi, oi! Be nice, old man! I've got Pika on speed dial!"

"Your phone's broken!"

"Ah, so it is," Killua relented, slouching back onto the couch. He gave a small laugh, shaking his head. "So it is."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Sooner than last time" I've made a liar of myself. Hahahahaha, sorry! Things are so wacky. Lmao. But we're getting to the good bits here. i suppose my writing is somewhat slow, but to me a story is made up of the exciting bits, the emotion, and all the little things which set the stage and make us human! ^W^ So I have a lot more to get through! But I hope you all enjoy this chapter!! <333333


	6. Chapter 6

For the next ten minutes Leorio ignored Killua, tucking himself away in the kitchen to do Weird Leorio Things, and Killua remained on the couch. The apartment filled with the rich scent of brewing coffee, and Killua leaned back on the couch to relax and take it in. Eventually, as promised, the coffee was finished and KIllua was called in to make his because, as Leorio put it, “I’m not your mom. You can make your own cup.”  
To which Killua gave a dazzling smile and agreed that no, Leorio was not his mom. That was Kurapika’s job.  
And that’s how Killua ended up sitting, alone, in the guest bedroom.

“I’ll be doing my work,” Leorio muttered, red-faced as he padded into his bedroom. He grumbled into his coffee mug, disappearing as he shut the door loudly behind him. Killua had to laugh before taking a long drink off his own mug, because bugging Leorio was and always would be the most satisfying source of entertainment.  
Killua bounced a little on the bed, fidgeting. The mattress groaned underneath him, and he heaved a sigh, setting his cup down on the squat little nightstand before collapsing back on the covers, still ruffled from his attempt to hide.  
What should he do? Sitting here alone, he’d probably end up focusing too much on the wrong things. He needed to do something distracting…

He sat back up, rustling the blankets, to peer around the room. The walls glowed a muted white in the day’s soft sunlight, which slanted in through the large window above the bed. Heavy grey curtains draped either side of the glass- Kurapika probably requested them so he could have _absolute complete darkness_ while he slept. Killua smirked, sliding off the bed.

A mirror hung above the dresser, simple thin glass with a sleek black frame that just looked too classy for Leorio’s dingy carpeting. Killua peered into the mirror at his own reflection, startled at first to see himself. His heartbeat sped when he stepped closer to observe, and somewhere in the back of his mind was something like blaring indignation.

_That’s not me!_

Ahh, but it _was_ him. Or something like a version of him. He furrowed his brow, scrunched his nose, and watched bright blue eyes disappear into dark slits beneath curled, thick lashes. He blinked in surprise, watched the crease in this person’s forehead smooth out, and the blue brightened out again. He pursed his lips- a full, red mouth pressed into a thin line before him. His heart fluttered with the strangeness of it- the person in the mirror was unmistakably feminine. He turned his head to the side, leaning forward so his bangs brushed the mirror. His hands gripped the wide dresser’s low edge. His angled jaw line had smoothened, filled, the curve of his neck dainty where it sloped into narrow shoulders. He wasn’t so broad anymore- his muscles were there in different shapes, conforming to different curves. His throat was smooth, the adam’s apple completely gone. He ran his hand over the skin of his throat and swallowed. The girl in the mirror mimicked the motion with a slender hand. His cheekbones were more prominent now, the hollow of his cheek now a defined angle beneath slanted eyes.  
Same eyes he’d always had, lying beneath a gentler brow. All of these changes were subtle, just shifts in tiny details that changed the whole of him into something almost unrecognizable.

Killua blew out a breath, shifting from one foot to the other. His hips swivelled, wider than before, stretching the fabric of his shorts awkwardly. He grunted, trying to make it sound like manly indignance. But the sound was new coming from his throat- higher. Same nasal tone and sarcastic lilt. Lower pitch and intonation- and yet it sounded- it sounded…

_Girlier_.

Killua grit his teeth, pushing off the dresser and walking away from the mirror. There was no other word to describe it, and he was consumed with both a boiling anger and sick fascination. He supposed anyone would be curious, really, being something completely new and trying to find something you could recognize within the changes.

Killua shoved his hands into his pockets, blowing at his bangs. That was enough staring at himself.

“How to kill some time…”

*** *** ***  
Killua’s experience in that little room was painful, to say the least. He spent a long time lying forlornly on the windowsill to stare out at passersby, college students hurrying to classes and a lone groundskeeper picking up crumpled wrappers and paper coffee cups. He missed the fresh air, and freedom. He felt caged.

To busy himself, Killua tried doing sit-ups, and succeeded for about five minutes before accidentally scooting too far and banging his head on the bed’s leg with a sharp crack.

“Damn it!” He swore. Punched the bed. He needed to do something else.

The next idea he had was to see how long he could do a handstand, but his equilibrium was completely off and he didn’t have the balance to keep himself upright. And, as he found the third time he tried, there was an issue. As he put it to Leorio,

“I can’t hang upside down with boobs on the loose!”

“Let me work,” Leorio had demanded absently, waving Killua off. And so began his next adventure.

The coffee was gone within an hour. Killua started to get jittery and antsy, so he tried meditating. That was the one thing that worked for him. Sitting down on the floor, breathing deeply, he was able to calm down and focus on his aura-

Until his mind started wandering to thoughts of dresses. Pink dresses, and heels with little bows.  
Killua’s eyes jerked open, horrified.

So the search for entertainment continued.

*** *** ***

“Aaaaaaaaaaooooooooooooeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeoooooooaaaaaaaaaaaa,” Killua opened his mouth wide, flaring his nostrils at his reflection. Every word sounded weird- he’d taken to making loud, obnoxious noises to test out the morphed vocal cords.  
“Keeeeeeeeeeeeeelluuuuuuuuuaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh,” he curled his upper lip, giving a slight giggle that sounded way, way too soft for his liking. He furrowed his brow.  
“Men,” He dropped his voice to a gruff undertone, one that sounded, unfortunately, about as manly as Alluka with a cold, “Cologne. Wood. Axes. _Testosterone_. HIGH OCTANE ACTION-”

“ _Killua_ , shut up! You’re obnoxious!”

Killua stuck his tongue out at his reflection, crinkling his nose.

“Leorio just doesn’t understand,” He sighed dramatically, “What it’s like to be cooped up when you’re so full of greatness.”

*** *** ***

Clothes. The bottom drawer was stuffed with clothes. Killua snooped through the closet- bare, minus a couple pairs of shoes and a box that was suspiciously unlabelled. Then he’d gone through the nightstand drawer- a couple pens, a notepad and a contact lens case- and checked under the bed for anything interesting- but here he was at the dresser, and every drawer was bare save the bottom. Rifling through the clothes, all the fabrics were soft in color and familiar in texture. He recognized this style.  
A smile- more like an smirk, really- curled his mouth.  
“Leorio, Kurapika’s got a drawer full of stuff in here! How often does he come over, anyways?”

*** *** ***

“Just wanted to check on you,” Leorio chuckled, holding the door open as he stared down at Killua. Killua dropped his face back down onto the bed, where he lie prone, ignoring the pain in his chest, awaiting his inevitable demise.  
“I’ll just crumble into dust here, Leorio. No worries.” His words were muffled by a mouthful of green cotton comforter. Leorio laughed at his misery.  
“I’m about to make another pot of coffee,” He said, “Why don’t you just come watch some tv? I should be done soon.”  
“How many precious hours have slipped away already?” Killua propped himself up on his hands. “How long have I been trapped in here?”

Leorio rolled his eyes. “You were never trapped in here. The whole house is open to you. And you’re the one who said you wanted to stay inside, remember?”

Ridiculous. Leorio must be going senile.

Raising an eyebrow, Killua lifted one hand. “I’m gonna stop you right there. First of all, why would I trap myself somewhere when I didn’t have to?” Absolutely inconceivable.

“Oh I don’t know,” Leorio folded his arms, a smile glinting in his brown eyes, “Something about how people would see you, stalk you, figure out what happened and call Gon specifically to ruin your day-”

“Okay, okay. Don’t make me sound paranoid,” Killua huffed, sliding off the bed. “You didn’t even let me finish. You’re so mean, Leorio.”

“And you’re a dramatic little princess,” Leorio jabbed Killua’s forehead. Killua narrowed his eyes.

“Stupid old man. Now you’re bullying me. What should I do? I should call protective services-”

“You’re a _hunter_ ,” Leorio chided, giving Killua a little push into the hallway. Killua stumbled, giving a grunt of indignation to which Leorio simply laughed, closing the bedroom door behind him.

“You _are_ protective services!”

Killua stuck his hands back in his pockets, feeling deja vu as he padded once more down the stretch of carpeted hallway. Leorio was a helpful guy, sure, but Killua needed to flick him hard for being such a pain.  
“You don’t get it,” He griped, bumping into the wall’s corner where it turned into the dining room. “Being here feels like the wait room at the exam! Except, yanno, Gon’s not here. And I’m a girl. And Tonpa isn’t slinking around.”  
He set himself against the dining area’s far wall, giving a speculative glance at his feet.  
“Also, being in this shitty situation is way worse than Tonpa ever was.”

Leorio went passed him into the kitchen to make coffee, saying jokingly, “Nice girls don’t cuss.”

“I will murder you,” Killua threatened. Of course he wasn’t taken seriously. He sighed dramatically, leaning against the wall. This would be over soon, he tried to remind himself. But things weren’t the same without Gon around. He needed the company of someone more intelligent.

And that had to be saying something, considering how Gon usually is.  
Killua laughed at himself, shaking his head. Gon wasn’t here, and he had a while, probably, before he could see Gon again. He doubted the professor tomorrow would simply give him a magic pill and it’d be better. If it was nen, it would take a while to expel. And he still didn’t know who did it.

So, basically, he was alone, besides Leorio.

He sagged with disappointment, watching Leorio dance around the kitchen, whistling to himself. Not that Leorio wasn’t great… Just…

He wasn’t Gon. But that was stupid, missing the person he wanted to avoid. It hadn’t even been a day. How pathetic was he?

Leorio finished the coffee, and the two of them sat down at the table to stare at their hands and try and think of something to say to each other.

“It’s been awhile since we really caught up with each other,” Leorio started, leaning forward with his arms folded on the table. Killua rested his chin on his hand, huffing sigh.

“You’re right. It has been.”

Leorio nodded. “So… Wanna tell me how things are, lately?”

Killua blanched, blinking slowly. “Um. In what respect, besides the fact that I’m sporting boobs right now?”

Snorting, Leorio shook his head. “You’re not stupid, you know what I mean.” His eyes softened.  
“I mean, since- since-”

“Since Gon moved in.” Killua groaned inwardly. “It’s been months, Leorio. You know it’s going fine.” He sat back in his chair, focusing on the light streaming through the kitchen’s narrow window. It had grown to be late afternoon.

Unfortunately, Leorio also knew Killua too well to let the topic rest at that.  
“Sure, it’s going fine. You guys are always together. Just like back then.” Killua’s heart twisted painfully at the mention of _back then_. He hated memories. It always hurt to remember that things weren’t the same. And never, ever would be.  
Leorio continued, gesturing with his hand, “But that doesn’t speak for everything. You two are reconciling. And that’s a long process. I just want to know how it’s going.”

Reconciling. Sure. This process was actually a long time of pushing things aside and not talking about what matters. A lot of distraction and silly, unimportant conversation. And Killua wasn’t ready for it to change.

“We’re fine. Leorio, things are just… Calming down. Finally. I don’t wanna stir shit up again and risk it doing more damage than help. Okay?”  
Leorio nodded, clasping his hands together. He furrowed his brow. “So, everything isn’t the same? Are you okay? You guys did decide everything really quickly. Moving in and all…”

Killua scoffed. “We didn’t do anything quickly. We spent years not doing anything. I’m fine. Fine. Alright? It’s fine and it’s great and most of all it’s not really your business.”

He regretted using any words like that- he could see a small flash of hurt in Leorio’s eyes. But Leorio wasn’t stupid.

“Don’t deflect. Killua, you know that’s a stupid thing to say. I’m your friend. Of course I’m worried. And what’s more than that is both Kurapika and I can tell something’s going on with you and Gon that’s hurting both of you. You guys really need to talk. Have you guys even spoken about Gon’s promise?”

There. That was it. Killua’s face crumpled, an old pain swelling inside him that left him open and sore and devastatingly sad. His lower lip trembled slightly.  
“No,” He choked out, trying to steel himself. He wouldn’t broach this topic. His throat ached, and the only thing he could do was cross his arms and try and hold his face in a neutral expression as the tears started to sting the corners of his eyes. His face felt hot.

Leorio stopped immediately, concern and care jumping into his eyes. “Nevermind. I’m sorry, Killua. I didn’t mean to- You don’t need to talk about anything.”

Tipping back in his chair, Killua fixated his stare on the ceiling. He willed the dampness from his eyes. “It doesn’t matter. It only sucks cuz you’re right. But- I just don’t want to jeopardize anything. Gon’s finally back.” He let out a breath. “He’s finally back.”

Leorio nodded.

“Okay. Well, just remember that Gon probably knows there’s stuff you need to discuss. I don’t think he’s oblivious. He might be waiting for you to be ready, Killua.”

“Alright. Thanks.”

“No problem.”

They sat in silence for a few minutes, the quiet winding heavy around them. Killua’s mind raced, trying to push back all his emotions. There were some things he really wasn’t ready for.

And he still missed Gon.

Oh just _stop_. _Stupid_.

 

“There’s a problem, Leorio,” He said, plunking himself face down on the table with a painful thud.

“And that is?” Leorio inquired. Killua heaved a breath, pulling on the hem of his sweatshirt.

“I gotta piss.”

Leorio let out a snort, which he tried quickly to cover up. “Yeah? And why don’t you?”

Killua lifted his head a little, and dropped it back down with another resounding thud. He swore under his breath.

“I’m scared Leorio. I’ve got girl junk now. I already saw it once. I never wanna see it again.” This, for some indeterminable reason, just struck the old man as something hilarious, because suddenly the quiet was shattered by loud, obnoxious guffaws. Killua’s face grew red with embarrassment, and he couldn’t help but think that, if it were Leorio, he’d probably feel the same way!

“Idiot. Stop laughing. It’s scary! Why is everything hidden from view? Don’t girls get nervous, not seeing what’s going on?” He covered his face with his hands, curling his fingers into his bangs. Leorio kept laughing.

“Well,” He gasped, “I think they learn to just live with it, Killua. I can’t believe this. Are you just gonna hold it in?” Leorio pounded the table, his earsplitting chortles grating on Killua’s eardrums and every shred of his last nerve.

“Yeah!!! I’m gonna hold it in! Because I don’t wanna even figure out how to use it!” He stood up, his voice an embarrassed shriek that egged Leorio on.

“So why’d you tell me?” Leorio asked, grinning, “Was it not because I’m a doctor and can tell you exactly what to do?”

Killua sat back down hard, puffing his cheeks out. “I mean. If a doctor just _happened_ to spout the information within earshot, I may be inclined to give it a try. I don’t want to hold in my piss for hours.” He glanced away.

“Alright,” Leorio leaned his elbow on the table. His smile nearly split his face in half; he was obviously delighted at this chance to make Killua squirm. “Well, my professional medical opinion in a situation like this, would be to sit down…”

*** *** ***

“That was the worst ten minutes of my life,” Killua squeaked, sitting back down in front of a fresh cup of coffee. He thanked Leorio.

“No problem. And what do you mean worst ten minutes of your life? You were gone for about two!”

Killua grimaced, running his fingertip along the rim of the cup. “I’m counting your explanation. I hope I never hear someone go into such explicit detail about things like that ever again.”

He buried his head in his arms on the table, face still burning.

“New topic,” He said weakly, “Distract me, Leorio.”

“Drink your coffee,” Leorio replied. Killua lifted his head just enough to glare at the old man as he took a long swig off his own cup. He heaved a sigh of resignation, opting to do the same.

Killua swallowed down several gulps of the hot brew before plunking the cup back down in front of him.

“What now?” He asked. “Are you going back to work on your essay?”

Leorio shook his head. “Nope. I finished it- and it’s almost seven right now. I’d say I made pretty good time. So we can focus on our dinner plans. What should we get?”

Killua shrugged, feeling a small pang in his chest. Gon liked to cook- and they always had dinner together.

_Just one night, you baby._

_Well, at least one night._

Shaking his head to clear his thoughts, Killua scuffed his foot on the floor. He drummed his fingers on the table, avoiding Leorio’s expectant eyes. “Something simple? I’m not too hungry right now.”

Leorio cast him a concerned glance. “Why not? All you’ve had today are donuts and coffee. Are you okay?”

Killua rolled his eyes at him. “Yeah, I’m okay. I’m still hungry, just not super hungry.” He laughed a little. “Nevermind. Haha, I can see this has miffed you. We can do whatever you want for dinner!”

Leorio relaxed back into his chair.

“Then, since it’s growing darker out, wanna go somewhere? You’ll be safe, I promise.” Leorio’s mouth stretched into a wide, playful smile. Killua sighed.  
“If I was worried about my safety, I definitely wouldn’t go on your word. Old man.”

“Brat. I’ll take care of our cups. Go primp yourself for a night on the town.”

Shaking his head, eyebrow twitching with annoyance, Killua shoved out of his chair and stalked into the living room with Leorio laughing behind him.

The wide windows faced a bright sunset; soft orange light setting the room aglow with quiet fire. Killua breathed deeply through his nose, his tense shoulders relaxing. Outside the world was growing darker, but bright sun lit up sharp contrasts with shadows of blue from trees and buildings. Killua watched absentmindedly as, past the grassy courtyard, the cars scooted down the road to the intersection, bright lights illuminating the sidewalks, already bustling with nightlife.

He walked past the coffee table to the couch, bending over to retrieve his flip flops from the small tile entryway. He shuffled into them, then sagged into the couch, setting his head back against the cushions exhaustedly. He’d done nothing all day, but he was tense and anxious, all this energy coiling up inside him that seemed to leech his strength.

The couch was invitingly comfortable, and Leorio was taking an awful long time, so Killua let the soft fabric enfold him, enjoying the stillness and quiet and gentle sunlight that bathed the room. His mind drifted the longer the stillness drew on, pulling him into a lazy kind of dozing as minutes ticked by. He thought, briefly, about yelling at Leorio for dragging his feet, but he found himself enjoying the sunset and the silence.

In the midst of such relaxation, how could he have possibly questioned the footsteps bounding up the stairs?

Harmless. Ignorable.

**_“KILLUAAAAA!!!!!!!!_** ”

Silence _fractured_ into a million pieces, all attention drawn to the earth shattering _crack_ as the door was literally ripped out of it’s lock to _bang_ to a deafening stop against the wall. Pieces of wood chip flew about as Killua was yanked from his doze, head whipping around to the source of cracking drywall and earsplitting roars of his name. Suddenly the whole world felt like a warzone.

Killua’s heart lurched up into his throat, his nen crackling into the air in blue sparks as his stomach churned. He jumped back, twisting off the couch and leaping to press himself into the far wall, swearing in his mind and his chest ripping open with screams he tried to quell.

Mother _fuck_.

Leorio was in the room within seconds, eyes wide and a large kitchen knife in hand, poised like he would start swinging at the slightest provocation. His eyes swept the room, and settled on the broken door, where an out of breath, crazy-eyed, wind-tousled Gon was standing like actual death coming to deliver hell upon Killua’s entire life. For all the panic that hit his chest and pulled tightly, he had to admit with something like screaming reluctance, that he was kind of glad to see the boy.

Leorio’s shoulders sagged, hand gripping the knife loosely at his side. His glance met Killua’s for a brief second, a small apology. Within seconds the truth of the situation was clear for both of them, and Killua was hard-pressed to accept it. But there was nothing they could do now. Leorio set his eyes sternly on Gon.

“I was about to kill you, kid. Why in the hell did you just break into my house?”

Killua pressed farther into the wall, but Gon didn’t appear to notice him. He watched Gon’s amber eyes survey the damage he caused like he hadn’t realized it before. His eyes flew wide, apologetic and surprised.

“Shit! I’m sorry! I came running over so fast, I didn’t realize how much strength I was using!” His mouth stretched upwards in a sheepish smile, and Killua’s heart pounded like it wanted to break out. His adrenaline rushed, and mind raced, every nerve on fire as his thoughts tried clear. His body seemed bent on escape.

Damn it all.

Leorio sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Awesome. And you wanna tell me why you came running over here? Didn’t Kurapika talk to you?”

Killua glared at Gon, who was oblivious to his presence, apparently, as those amber eyes lit up. Gon waved his hand frantically.

“I had a realization!” His mouth relaxed into a bright smile, “If Kurapika had already been here, and you were here, then I’m the only one who didn’t know about what was going on with Killua! So I thought, it’d be alright, then, if I got to come over and help!”

Damn it. As usual, Gon made some kind of twisted sense. His logic was simple and inarguable. Killua groaned inwardly- it was technically true, but Gon was the one person who shouldn’t know. Couldn’t.

And now what? Killua was right in front of Gon now. He couldn’t send Gon away.

“And now you’re here,” Leorio said. He swallowed weakly, seeming to have nothing else to say. There wasn’t anything else he could say.

“Yep! Where is he?” Gon took several steps inside the entryway, and his presence alone seemed enough to fill the room. Killua felt the panic rise inside him, his fingers tingling. The wall was an obstacle behind him, keeping him from escaping. How bad might it be… To break the window?

Leorio, for the umpteenth time that day, was oh-so-helpful.

He gestured to Killua. “You must be blind. He’s right there.”

Killua gulped back a small scream as Gon’s eyes met his, golden-honey hues in a bright sunset that now made Killua’s head ache.

At first, his smile simply brightened.

“Killua! Y-” A pause. It never took long for Gon to observe things. Gon’s mouth stopped working, falling slack. His eyebrows dropped low, eyes narrowing into gold slits. A lump formed in Killua’s throat, all the anxiety and fear being realized now, and it was almost unbearable.

“Wait- I don’t get it.” Gon’s head swivelled, looking down the hallway, then into the dining room. Then he stared back at Killua. “Where is- is that really…”

Killua shifted, face heating. “I’m not that different.”

And Gon _jumped_ back, bumping into Leorio with surprise. He gaped.

“Really? Shit, Killua, really? That-that doesn’t sound like Killua. Well, kind of. And it kind of looks like him, too. But… But…” He narrowed his eyes. “What’s going on?”

Gon looked between Leorio and Killua, hands grappling a little desperately. Killua folded his arms and tried to shrink.

“Seriously, what happened? I don’t get it.” He bit his thumbnail, peering closely at Killua, and neither Killua nor Leorio stepped forward to explain.

“Are you a- you kind of look like a- a _girl_ , Killua.”

Bingo.

Leorio placed a hand on Gon’s shoulder, pointing him towards the dining room. The three of them took seats around the squat table, and Killua found himself sitting adjacent from a very curious Gon. More staring. He shifted uncomfortably, feeling tears prick his eyes, because this was the shittiest day he’d had in forever. He was still trembling slightly from the anxiety.

And Leorio took it on himself to be the bearer of news, hands folded and voice clipped.

“Today Killua woke up a girl. His anatomy has been altered to that of a female, and beyond that there are no noticeable changes, or any harm done. We think it might have been nen. Tomorrow we’re gonna see a professor, and hopefully they’ll have an answer for us.”

Gon nodded, his hands clenching into fists on the table. He leaned forward on his arms and cast a confused glance at Killua.

“And- and Killua didn’t want me to know?”

Biting his lip, Killua gave the best answer he could offer.

“I didn’t want anyone to know.” He spread his hands, smiling thinly, “But now you do.”

Gon sat back, blowing out a large breath. “So someone did this to Killua. Changed him. And you don’t know who?”

Both of them shook their heads. Gon huffed a little, nodding slowly. His brow crinkled as he stared at his lap. After a moment, he turned his determined gaze on Killua.

“I wanna help.”

Of course.

“Gon…”

Gon held up a hand. “I want to. Something happened to you. And I don’t know why you didn’t want me to know. Maybe Killua was embarrassed, which is sad because I don’t care how he looks, and it wasn’t even his fault, but I’m here now. And I do know!” He placed his hand on the table, honey eyes smoldering in their intensity. “And so I’m gonna help.”

God, Gon was still in his exercise clothes. Had he just sat at home, waiting for an excuse to jump up and come over here? Waiting for a chance to help?

Killua closed his eyes at the sight of Gon.

“...Fine.” He wanted Gon here. Badly. He didn’t want to be alone and he didn’t want to be scared- Gon was great at alleviating both those things. And Gon didn’t care. Of course not. So why had Killua been so scared?  
There’s nothing to fear but fear itself. And the fact that Killua feared at all gave him reason enough to be wary. The reasons behind his fear were things he didn’t want to contemplate in any capacity.

He shoved out of his chair.

“Now you’re here Gon. I hope you’re super duper happy to be all included, but now can we just continue with our dinner plans?” He tried not to feel so relaxed, tried to be more angry. But Gon’s face split into a smile, and he jumped up, already forgetting about Killua’s appearance and his voice and just being there.

How could Killua be angry at someone like that?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhh no one knew I was gonna do this. Not even me!!! Hahahaha. I'm sorry its so damn late. I love you guys! <3333


End file.
